I sat down at my computer this morning and got on my blog and thought I should share something profound. Something deep and vivid and inspiring. A novelty. Nothing came to mind.
I mean, nothing profound.
Something definitely came to mind.
It’s a precious bit of . . . reading material I had forgotten about that I had occasion to pull up the other day. A bit of material pulled from our one and only Grand Island Independent. Who in turn pulled it from a small publication in 1947. Who in turn pulled it from behind a brick in the cellar of a stately New Hampshire home. (This is all perfectly true, I assure you.)
The rather indelicate subject is rats. Specifically, how to get rid of your rats. Exactly precisely, how to write letters to your rats to get rid of them. (I am in perfect earnest. Ask the newspaper. I’m really not making this up.)
The following is an example of a letter written to said undesirable rodents:
(Hint: Might I suggest reading it out-loud in a proper British accent. Think Pride and Prejudice.)
“I have bourn with you till my patience is gone. I cannot find words bad enough to express what I feel, you black devils. Now, spirits of the bottomless pit, depart from this place with all speed! Look not back! Begone, or you are ruined! We are preparing water to drown you; fire to roast you; cats to catch you; and clubs to maul you. Unless you want your detested garments dyed in fire and brimstone, you satans quit here and go to Ike Nute’s! (pretty sure that’s a neighbor’s house) This is for cellar rats. Please give notice to these in the chamber. There are many of us plotting against you.”
(Personal note: If anyone would like to revive this novel form of antagonistic expression, I for one am all in favor!)
Happy first day of December.
